How much do you love me? I have asked you in my Prayers
Love has many faces some are beautiful some are most beautiful, purest of all, falling in love with someone and loving them more than you, it’s a brave thing to do, not everyone knows the definition of love in this world.
14th February, a day that I can never forget ever in my life, apart from being my birthday, it brought back beautiful fond memories, memories of all the years that have passed by, memories of the celebrations, the people, the gifts. I never really gave this concept a very careful thought till this day. Well…, this year memories brought back much more, even my own self. An encounter with my past self was something that I least imagined would happen this day.
We lived each moment to its fullest; he was my pillar of strength, my best friend, my Lawrence…. My soul mate, probably something much more. He has always been there with me, since the time I remember. As cliché as it can get… we were inseparable. He always tried to make my birthdays the most special, gave me the most thoughtful gifts… that I haven’t forgotten till date. I was the talker and he was the listener, I guess that was what kept us together, but there comes a day when the listener is done with the listening and that is exactly what happened and after that day we both grew as strangers. I still struggle to forget about that day and I am sure it is same for him and today I suddenly feel this huge hole in my heart, it has probably been there since that day waiting to be filled, so I immediately left to go and face the problems, face him, to tell him that it was really my fault and that I have been sorry for all these years and that I still loved him as much as I did earlier. I was the one who always walked out of any argument… first. He tried to mend the gap, but I was the one to put my foot down and remained stubborn. He was always a good boy; he never stopped trying to get us both back together again. He was always ready to put aside his ego and work out the problems.
In the fit of anger I never gave him chance to explain himself, never responded to any of his calls, or messages.
It makes me happy that I am going to meet him and that I have realised to do the right thing. I got his new address from the person currently living in his old home. Whenever we fight, he always used to tell me “Someday, I will be gone then you will know my importance and you will remember me”. Yes, he was a bit theatrical back then, the moment I reached his house, I knew I had come to the right place; it looked like him, it felt like him. I wonder how life has treated him since. I am going to give him the tightest hug and everything will be alright. I remember that he used to maintain a diary, though we had each other’s back all along and shared every possible detail; he still had that stupid little diary, I never really asked what he wrote in it, as I turned the pages of his diary, my whole life stood still before me. I realised… I had been living this great life on Lawrence’s good wishes and blessings. I was indebted for life and I knew that never was I ever going to be able to pay it back, not at least in this life. He wrote about all the beautiful memories of togetherness which he cherished and the pain and suffering that he has gone through. Has this really happened to him? To me?
Has he forgotten me, our friendship …the arguments? All these things I wanted to say to him and I was left stunned only to know that all these years he was still mine asking me in his prayers, which I am not worth of, I was no longer his Anna, and I was a whole new person now, a new book, with each day, a new page, the first page.
Lawrence now greets me not as an old fiend but someone I knew more than anyone else would have. “He lived a beautiful life he said without me, but it would much better views if I was with him” he said. I was wrong; there comes a day when it is too late. It left wondering why EGO becomes so important?? Even more than courage?? So, here I am looking forward to a life with Lawrence, yet the same which was 5 years back.
There is a note for me in the Diary saying “I have asked you in my prayers every day. You are my strength of my everyday struggles. I hope one day you come back to me and stay with me and we could grow old together.”