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Milestones of a relationship is feelings and sentiments, however, often it is mistaken to be something else!
Sir, you have a mail. I heard Joe say and went to find it in the mail box. I was wondering with astonishment as to who will remember me at this age for all my insurance and bank statements come through e-mail and I had nobody else to send me a letter. I went to the mailbox almost mechanized with wonderment. Again to my surprise, it was from Banaras, the place I lived my youth and left it all there only. From where I came forward in life as a man of mind without heart, no relationships exist anymore with such significance to have sent a letter. I was stupefied! I took the envelope in my hand and it was from “The Anonymous”; that filled me with even more anxiety. I was struggling with my courage and curiosity to open it. But then, I thought I should first enter my home, the cocoon of my emotional state, my heart; so that any unanticipated expression as a consequence of this letter shouldn’t be noticed by anybody, not even the crows sitting on the tree.
I went inside my safest abode, to my bedroom, locked the door, sat on my chair and opened it with all my courage piled at once. It was a hand written letter; the writing was so familiar to my eyes that it suddenly made me smell someone my heart silently adored all these years!
I don’t know whether the person I am addressing is the one to read it or someone else! I am mailing it after such a long time that my anticipations might well prove me wrong!
This world is full of contradictory thoughts. Everything touches the other yet they want their soul to remain untouched by the other. It’s just like everything aspires badly for its individuality, but that is very difficult to clutch into. It’s very controversial, isn’t it? There are lessons about everything and anything yet there is actually no lesson. You learn it all on yourself; the meaning of the sun rising and setting, the meaning of the words; that were long before set by someone and then turned to be the tradition of man-kind. One learns it all on herself. No guide, no one to clarify your perceptions for the feelings that arise inside your heart are only and only yours and only you understand them unlike anybody else!
Equality, everybody speaks of this, once I also did. But today, I understand the five fingers are not the same. I know, it’s too late for me to confess for I am in my late 50s. But yet, I thought if I am to die in peace I have to do it in front of the one I am addressing this letter to. Yes, I thought of equality as the foundation of every relationship being too practical at one point of my life. But I now realize I was the most illogical person to say that. As two being can never be equal and so does two genders. A guy can never give birth to a baby keeping it in his womb; because he simply doesn’t have a womb. There is really nothing like being equal but the real thing is being mutual. It’s all about understanding and respecting each other in any sort of a relationship, wherever you go and whatever you do you need to carry this word mutual co-ordination and cooperation.
You might be laughing at this. But today, I just wanted to speak my mind. And I know, if not today then it will happen never. At that point of time, I also took the words of the society to my life and I inculcated it so deeply that I forgot the fact that the society was never going to live my life. I abandoned myself and I abandoned my soul in my ignorance.
I went on living with the belief that for a relationship to exist, the man needs to earn more than the lady. As conventional, it is because the male-ego needs to be satisfied. But I forgot if a man can’t accept a woman earning more than him, she, being his family; he is having a real problem in her going to work or even existing as a person.
Here, we have many, who consider themselves to be quite considerate in case of matters of women empowerment but in the true sense they deny the very existence and essence of her soul.
There are time in life when you feel or you are just compelled to feel to that things are different for a woman. They are not allowed to have a heart or a mind that could have its opinions on any dam thing possible. They don’t have the audacity to feel anything on their own; even if they do, they are somehow or the other hooked up in fetters not to express those feelings and opinions. They are human beings, but only for the sake that they eat and breathe and live a life unlike machines. But in reality they are expected to just work like those machines. The world is just out of my thoughts for I was brought up by a man who taught me to live with dignity as a human being and loved by a person who loved me for being myself, being ambitious and being thoughtful unlike a mindless. But it was all my fault to leave, with the words of the male-ego and the female standards, I regret then and there I could not think different from that of the society rather got swayed!
I am different, I was born to be different and this was the key thing behind it which I ignored altogether. Today, I am living my life no doubt, but I miss the love, the appreciation and the respect that I used to get 30years ago. I used to be referred to as a human being, as a person beyond a woman. I also had a mind and heart. I had my own decisions to make and pursue my own interests. But today I miss being a human and only remember my duties for everyone and the family to sum it all up in just a single word. Time has changed and so have I! I have grown old, with all my hairs having white or grey shades. As always I am too careful about my beauty and today also I dye them myself with complete attention and care. I look at myself in the mirror and I find just a shadow, a shadow with wrinkles of age and burns of self-understanding and the scars of underestimation. An outline of my body stares back at me, but my soul remains numb. Believe me, the past 30years have never been so enchanting as this 30minutes that I am taking to write this letter. I have got this time to explore my soul again! My hand writing has gotten worse as there is nobody to ask me to write a letter or a birthday card. People become happier with a dress or phone or laptop and a party at a good restaurant with the cake ordered from “The Haagen-Dazs”; those days are gone when someone would be eagerly waiting for the handwritten birthday card.
Life has changed and I have learnt to accept it the way it comes. But deep down, I always repent for that notion of mine, whose origin, I never knew and whose existence I realized then and there only. Yet I have been thinking about it all my life till date.
Life might have its financial needs for comfort and for wellbeing but they are not the only things that one requires. The need of love and respect grows exponentially as those physiological needs get fulfilled. I have been a philosopher as it seems me today but I never wrote my philosophy. I just understood what life tried to teach me and always did I remember those experiences of my life and tried to compare them with what I am and what I should be; not as per the standards of the society but as per myself, as per my heart.
I have learnt a lot, I have experienced a lot and I have missed that person a lot in my life. I walked alone and I never knew my destination for I never believed in an end. Today also I have the resolve to go, to walk on, alone, as a destination-less nomad. I just wanted my piece of peace, again being as selfish as I can be!
If you understand the meaning of a skean, it is well meant for you and I am the one you discussed it with Mr. Writer of the Love stories!
I looked upon at the roof. I never knew whether to laugh or cry! Perhaps I was the sky covering the ocean, soothing her waves and yet being patient, sometimes drooling my tears upon her to give her solace, sometimes hitting her with snowballs to romance but always to contain her in my heart, being all over her!!!