Every person in this world falls in love with someone they think is perfect for them and is best in the world. This is about my first muse, she wasn’t the first one I considered love, but what I felt for her was different. As the saying goes, everyone becomes a poet in love, I did too but to continue even after the intimation towards her left me. Her role comes in enabling me to find my potential, something I love; my passion. She used to appreciate even my worst poetry about her, she always used to encourage it even though she didn’t ever want to encourage the way I fell for her. She helped make poetry my life and in doing so, that girl gave me a life.
She was and still is the most beautiful person I have ever seen and even talked to; both inside and outside. While beauty might be too generalised a term to define her plus not the best one because being beautiful is something that’s gifted but being an amazingly good human is something which depends on you. To quote Professor Dumbledore “it is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities.” Sometimes I am out of words and overwhelmed at the same time while I think what we have gone through, or rather I have made her go through because of my immaturity of telling her the same thing again and again even after her denial. I regret that to the day; each day, every time I think about her. It was never a smooth road for us but still we remain kind of friends and she is always there to help me and talk to me no matter what. I love her for that.
Sometimes it feels awkward and pleasing at the same time while talking to someone for whom you had such strong feelings and continue to do so but in different way. I might not want try to love her again but it seems that I still love to be around her, like a deep sense of attachment with someone you were ready to give your heart and soul for, sometime back. It would be kind of special to meet her someday rather than just talk online because it’s been more than 8 months since I last saw her; that’s since I left school. I just want to speak normally in front of her, without fumbling and sit and talk while staring in those deep and addicting eyes of hers and vomit all my truths and secrets in front of that lady from up above where someone like me; son of darkness and preacher of Lucifer can’t reach.
I don’t remember the day I met her for the first time, but I do remember that smile I used to get from her. I do remember the sensation while touching those hands, even if for a handshake and I still remember some of her little secrets. Maybe the time was not right or maybe she was never meant for me that way, but the disaster gave me many things to cherish. The lessons, a friend who is always ready to talk to me no matter what and my poetry, so it’s not always a disaster I guess.
Crawling through the memory lane,
trying to find the pieces of my heart;
Sometimes I am able to remember something about those days of my life,
on others I just get happy with the idea of being around a special human.
Forward as the life goes,
backwards my memory tries to go but
all the footprints got erased,
once my dark phase began.
I still feel the connection,
while I chat for hours with her on messenger.
That’s not what I am supposed to tell her,
she’ll suspect I am still in love with her;
which I am not. That’s what I guess.
I still remember my farewell day,
that request for an image;
her glowing smile, those eyes.
I can portray her all I like.
My face, the glow on it,
that inclination towards her;
that intimidation to kiss.
I left it all behind,
tried to forget it,
until I found her helping me;
So I guess the friendship goes on,
till eternity I guess.
But am I still in love with her
is it really a friendship;
that is to be answered I guess.
To the person who will read it first and as her gift-
Here’s the deal.
I don’t know how you would feel after reading whatever I have written or am going to write, this all is you from where I see. It doesn’t matter to me what even my mentor thinks of this because it’s not for the world to know. It’s just between me and you; our little secret I guess.
It would be a lie if I told you that I haven’t ever, at any moment fantasized being with you; which isn’t true of course, I have done it many a times. Amongst all those fantasies what’s true is the poetry that use to flow through me when I used to think about you. It’s true that it is ridiculous to objectify anyone but especially someone who has done so much for me but I guess the flow of poetry always turned me into believe that you were the one. I could never ever imagine telling you so much going through my head, most of which I don’t even remember. I guess by the way I text you these days you could sense that I try to hide the warmth and suppressing feelings, that is if I know you right. This coldness was gifted to me by my brain.
I know that you know so well that you can be anything you want with the strength you possess, but to assure you and boost you, I also believe in the same and if I ever come to believe in god again, I’ll make sure I’ll pray for you to get whatever you dream in this world. Even if I don’t come to believe in god, ever, I’ll just hope from the bottom of my heart and leave it to the universe to do it’s work. I agree that life is unfair and we don’t always get what we deserve but it’s also true that life has many surprises hidden for you which more or less compensate for the losses.
I do hope that you never stop believing in yourself and always know your self worth. I do hope that you never stop hoping and believing for the good things and times of life. It has always been more than a pleasure knowing you and talking to, and I am sure I’ll continue to feel that whenever I talk to you. Perfection is a superficial quality and I hope on the dying glow of a million stars that you never seize to transcend the box we are supposed to fit in. I hope your madness reaches new heights and you enjoy your life till 125. You sure as hell are a difficult customer but the best ones never come easy, do they?
from a dear friend to another
P.s. I really love to make people overwhelmed because I know what it’s absence feels like. Hope you are on cloud 9 after reading this.