When I was little, I believed I had two superpowers (and my friends will know this): indomitable ability to work hard and persistence over one thing. I relied heavily on it for any task, challenge, problem – basically, for every aspect of my life. They are my shoes to get by the end and even more needed so when I’s was having a bad day. But, what I didn’t know back then that I was relying on it heavily and compulsively. I started to see myself as ‘hard-worker’ – one who could attain any feat by putting many hours and effort. Whenever I hit success, I would ask for more. I wanted to validate myself in the eyes of others – peers (whom I competed with), family (whom I thought I had to impress and make proud). To say that it became a vicious cycle is an understatement.
When you take something to such a compulsive level, as I did, to the point that you become fully fixated on it then you are moving towards a breakdown. That is what happened with me. After all, how long can you go like that? You are to feel burn-out eventually. What I was feeling physically and emotionally is too deep and dark to put it into words. Externally, I saw a change in my attitude. I started to be more and more irritated. I started to vegetate. Sometimes felt like I was dying inside. I lost my ability to think intelligently, which too I valued so much in my life. I lost all my faith in myself. Eventually, I lost touch with my superpowers.
Looking back after all these years I realized that it does not have to be that way. Now, whenever I meet someone and understand him or her closely, I realize, ‘everyone is so cool in their own ways,’ (unlike previously, where I believed I was the only cool). Culture and media false portray how we should be as a society or an individual. There are hundreds of ways to go by. I also have started to realize that there are so many other qualities in me, which I never knew due to compulsive success-loving outlook, that now I am realizing. I am also learning, probably after reading about it from somewhere, to find ways to channel that part of me to show myself that I can be comfortable relying on it anytime. I am having real fun time now – as the McDonald says, “I’m Lovin’ It.”